Woot!

So, Monday has long since passed and I have been soooo crazy busy that I haven't been online really at all, except a quick look now and again via the phone.  I GOT THE JOB!!!  I was just crazy excited at first, then a bit overwhelmed with everything I have to accomplish in the next week and a half.  Now?  Well, things seem to be falling into place.  Proof that this is the right move?  I'd like to think so.  If not, the only thing I will be out is pride I suppose.  Looking forward to the opportunity, new community and dreading leaving my boys at work as well as the periods of separation from the family.

Stay safe and stay smart ....... off to get more done!

and we wait ....

Advised that the wait is continued until Monday now.  Fuck me.  I may not survive.  Good things come to those that wait?  Shit

Waiting ....

I hate waiting.  Most people dislike it but I am almost non-functional, cranky, grumpy, jumpy and just flat fucking scared.

The interview was amazing, the staff phenomenal, the station changed my opinion about a lot of things that are possible.  There were quirks and hurdles - not going to lie - but all within my capacity to work around, try and fix or deal with.  So.  I have to wait, up to a week.  I swear I will be so wired by Friday it may not matter if the job is offered - my friends, co-workers and family may have already murdered me and buried me in a deep ass grave never to be found as to not deal with my insanity any longer.

The base of the pay range would still allow me to make a bit more than I am currently, working 4 fucking jobs and killing myself every day.  The status and potential is exponential and that is hard to even imagine. So, prayers for clarity, speed and decisiveness, please.

Terrified

Opportunity came calling this week.  I have an interview tomorrow that I really never thought would happen.  Excited.  Terrified.  Nervous.  Exhilarated.  So many conflicting emotions running rampant right now.  I just wish the time would fly so that it would be time and I could just move to the next step, whatever that is.  If it's right .... lots of changes.  If it isn't ... disappointment but "normal" isn't all that bad right now.

Protect me from .... me

Sometimes I do the dumbest things.  Maybe not dumb ..... but definitely unwise.  I have this problem with self control.  I can normally have a little bit and be appropriate in society and relationships, however, add a drop of alcohol or temptation (even without the booze) and BOOM, yep I fuck it up.  What often makes it worse is the honesty that I give out at the same time.  Ask me a question?  Yep, no filter, no self protection just absolute, blunt honesty irregardless of how it might hurt me in the end.

Thank God my last, uhm, slip(?) was a protected one.  Sounds goofy to say that.  I just have no idea how else to explain without tattling on myself.  A trusted, loved person and surrounded by others that are loved and trusted .... ergo protected all around.  I just think the best idea is to appoint a babysitter to me and keep me from myself ....

Is that possible?

Pissed

Who ever thinks that they have the right to tell some one's child something about them that they were not asked to tell?  Rights.  That's kinda huge.  I never believe that something about someone is mine to share with others.  It just isn't mine, therefore, not my story to tell.  It doesn't matter how small or how big.  We are often disrespectful of other people's information and shouldn't be.  It has the power to change things.  If I choose to change things that is one thing - someone deciding for me just pisses me off.  Fucking dick.

Kids

Wolf, Dragon & Butterfly

Like a dragon

He roars through my life.

Often ferocious,

Sometimes contrite.

Ever full of strength

In mind and body

With intellect

And devotion

Matched by none.

Like a butterfly

She glides along my life.

Always energetic,

Swooping with delight.

Ever full of support

In mind and body

With compassion

And empathy

Second to none.

Like a wolf

She pounces into my life.

Endlessly watchful,

Howling with delight.

Ever full of strategy

Her mind always working

With amazing spirit

And a soul

That sings as it howls.

Food for thought

"When we understand our lives through the lens of our gifts it's as if we step out from behind the tapestry and really see it for the first time. All of a sudden, things make sense. We see the real picture, the moving, human story of what matters most to us. We begin to understand that our biggest mistakes, our most self-sabotaging behaviors were simply convulsive, unskilled attempts to express the deepest parts of ourselves."
by Ken Page, LCSW

Huh, food for thought .....

Sappy

The blog has been therapeutic for me, however, in the last few days or so I cannot think of anything to write down.  I have either already said it and feel ridiculous for continuing on a rant about life or I'm really ok right now.

So, I am never really okay.  I suppose that much is true.  Right now I seem to be on pretty level ground though.  Perhaps that is the hardest part of dealing with the crap life hands you.  When you are on a big high and are handed shit - you fall hard and fast but hold tight to the belief that something will make it all get better eventually.  When you are low and handed shit - you just stare at it, realize that it's just more shit, cope and walk on.  Step by step.  Day by day.  Sometimes you can see the horizon and where you're headed, other times the fog just settles in.  During those times it seems the people that mean the most in your life step up, embrace you all while holding your hand through the fog.

I am often amazed at the way people step up.  It shows how much they love and how well they know you.  The shoulder I have used the most in the last few months has surprised me.  He is a good, strong friend that has been through more than most of us can even imagine.  Gentle and soft spoken unless drinking or protective nature strikes - then watch the fuck out.  He is never obtrusive, he is just there.  Lots of my brothers have amazed me.  When they had nothing left to give ... they gave.  I wish I had words that could express to them what they mean in my life.

Apparently, today is a sappy day - hate feeling like that.  Makes me feel like a little girl.  Hard to explain, but admitting that in itself isn't easy.

Take care, live and love, embrace those around you for the seconds you have them.

Drifting

Right now I feel like I have been drifting on a boat endlessly for awhile.  At first this was a very uncomfortable feeling as I realized I had no destination.  Now?  I don't think I'm ready to stop floating yet.  When I analyze that it makes me nervous but I have accepted that, for now, drifting is in order or at least in my immediate future.  When I decide to stop and have picked a destination I believe that lots of changes will be in order.  Right now though?  The waters are mostly calm, the sky is beautiful, I have a drink in my hand and music in my soul .... so be it.

Hmph

Home alone today, all day, for the first time since we were "cased".  I don't think of myself as nervous or scared or incapable of taking care of myself.  However, today I am pretty sure I was starting to have a stinkin' panic attack - called a good friend and she chatted with me for awhile and I felt more at ease.

This is ridiculous.  Our home was not invaded, no one did anything except make contact that was obviously in order to see if we were a possible target or not.  I have since armed us with a handgun and a shotgun .....

I did take a shower while home alone which was a huge feat since I was terrified.  House was all locked up, shut and locked the bathroom door and brought a gun in bathroom with me along with cell and house phone.  Sheesh.

Tomorrow I will be gone in the morning and come home just before the kiddos .... guess that means I get to search the house and make sure we are all safe.  Funny that feels less scary than just being here.

How long until I find my new normal that doesn't include panic attacks?

Uncomfortable

Pretty sure our house was being "cased" yesterday.  We had a guy stop by in an unmarked truck and when I went out to see what he needed, he was acting strange, worrying over the dog and simply asked if we wanted our driveway done.  Now, the weird part is that when I said no he just turned around and left the same way he had arrived.  We have 4 neighbors all with poorly cared for partially gravel driveways and he never even looked at those houses.  His truck was unmarked, he offered no business card to back up his supposed business and he wasn't approaching the steps to come up to the door when I came out, he was staring at the dog and heading towards our open garage door and my vehicle.  The neighbor right next to us saw this same guy driving slowly past looking at houses approximately one hour before.

So, the creepiest part is that when he was driving around earlier I had been in the shower, walked around the house in the buff and then while partially dressed went and spent a lil quality time with a couple of toys in the bedroom.  AND I happen to know the door wasn't locked - dumb dumb dumb.

Feeling vulnerable and nervous and scared.  None of which I am very good at feeling or dealing with.  The hubby?  He has basically blown it off.

He also decided to be aggressive in bed last night and I never said no, nor did I stop him in any way, however, I wanted to cry.  It would be nice if just once I could be understood .... but I am well aware that no one can read minds.  Still .....

So now that I have received the first call regarding a job offer - for full time doing what I am already doing- now I wait for the others to happen.  It always seems like when it rains it pours, so after I accept this job offer the others will call and complicate everything.  I know, poor me, right?!  Not really what I mean.  It's just that the exact opportunity you want doesn't fall onto your lap until you accept another one.

Bring it on I suppose.  I can make difficult decisions.

Self Exposed

So, how do you deal with the aftermath of revealing all that you are and ever have been to a stranger?  Ugh.  It isn't shame or embarrassment that is the problem.  I feel ridiculous and perhaps putting it down in writing will burst the bubble surrounding it/me.

Hanging out I ran into someone that apparently was put in place to make some effect on my life.  Well, he did.  The hardest part to explain is the motivation - that's what I cannot seem to grasp.  What was his reasoning for pushing me to be so completely and utterly honest to him, myself and another friend?  He gained nothing.  Honestly, he could have devastated me that weekend had he chosen to.  Instead I feel taunted and exposed and more alone than I have ever felt in my entire life.

Had he slept with me, as I so badly wished he would have (and we discussed it even) ... I could have written it all off as being due to the sexual tension.  Instead he stated that he wanted to and believed he could have but was not going to ..... UGH!  How do you deal with someone who for no reason wants you to feel, makes you feel and sees all the way into your soul while asking for nothing but honesty in return?  and then he walks away ....... perhaps he will call, perhaps he will not.  I refused to ask for his information and that's probably best as I would have already called.

I don't wait well.  I hate not understanding some one's motivation.  I really hate feeling a connection FINALLY and it being gone, whether it was a fraud or not.  Self revelation sucks.  Loneliness sucks!  

Hope

I feel empty still and probably will for a long time, however, I feel like there is hope.  The pressure I have felt from outside forces is not about to push me into something without my full knowledge and acceptance of what I want.  What that means is that there is time to make decisions and gather my own thoughts and feelings and capabilities instead of doing what some in the masses believe is the best thing.

I refuse to feel the guilt that it seems like I should feel if I allow this to pass me by AND I refuse to feel guilt about the fact that I might consider trying for his job.  Nothing is known about our futures and we cannot guarantee anything.

Perhaps my thoughts mean that I am nearing some sort of acceptance of all of these recent events.

As I arrange my own thoughts I am left ..... well ... lets not get ahead of ourselves.  I'm not sure I am ready to see that in print.

Goodbye

Today it is difficult to contemplate tomorrow.
Yesterday we could not see today.
Tomorrow ...
It will be whatever it is.
Nothing more.
Nothing less.
Simply there.

Without you my world has dimmed slightly and the earth has shifted.  How long will it be before I stop trying to dial your number to share something, anything with you.  Rest well, friend.

Exposed

It can be either pleasant, difficult, alluring or excruciating when someone digs down deep in your psyche to get to the real person buried there.  For whatever reason I happened to be in the presence of two such diggers, while recently away.  Now, they did not act in tandem on purpose as they were strangers and there eventually appeared to be a bit of animosity or something there.  One had already been poking and prodding and the other merely pushed harder.

So.  There is nothing I know about myself now that I didn't then - well, maybe one thing.  The base thing that has probably altered the course of my life is what I knew it to be, however, my feelings about it surprised me.  The initial assault wasn't the big problem (although a problem) it was the reaction by a couple of friends and that betrayal that put those walls up.  I guess the root of it all at that point became, I don't want to be a sissy and no one else will take care of me .... so man up and protect yourself.  So I have. Apparently I have to the point of it being extremely obvious that no one is allowed in very far.

Hmph.  So, all exposed and naked feeling this week.  Makes me feel fragile at a time when I don't want to feel extra fragile.  What next?  One "digger" I will probably never talk to again so I cannot even quite understand his motivation.  People are not that self-less in my experience.  The other "digger" continues to be around and available but to what end?  It is very nice to have a close friend, but ...... is the exposure worth it?  Think I might just slink back behind the walls and call it a day.

Life

Reflecting on who we are, as individuals and as a race.  I don't know.  I always feel so insignificant and often like an imposter at everything, you know, like I am play acting at life.

I don't know.  I try to be honest and genuine.  I strive to work hard, know my job and learn a little bit more all the time.  Sometimes I feel real empathy for my patients and their families, sometimes they are just that "the patient" and frustrating, annoying, pitiful, hate filled or just sad.  Sometimes there is someone that so profoundly touches me, and the me inside that I don't let many touch, and they can change the paths you choose in the future.

I am reminded of a patient years and years ago when I was having one of the worst days of my life - at that point.  I hadn't slept, felt completely lost and exposed and the one thing I did not want to do was to take care of someone else.  We were called to a police station for a man that had wandered into someone's house in his pajamas.  He was a very elderly Russian man who very obviously had Alzheimer's or dementia and did not know where he needed to be and was complaining of a little chest pain.

While caring for him, he never complained and stated that his chest pain was nothing - "ah, I ninety, you know how it is".  He then clasped my hands and started making me learn to count to ten in Russian and to roll my r's as well as saying all of the names of his 8 siblings.  He was wonderful and sweet and EXACTLY what I needed right then.  Before arriving at the hospital this patient asked me all sorts of silly questions about what I thought was different in America vs Russia.  We apparently drink too much beer, but, he said they drink too much Vodka and the biggest thing was that we look at one another and we touch one another, whether for comfort, friendship, love ... whatever.  He said, "in Russia, we no look and we never, ever touch."  He loved that about us and whether my hand in his helped him or not, his hand holding mine changed me just a little.

I need another little old Russian man right now .....

Nervous

Lots of things to be nervous about.  First of all there is a very, very close friend that is gravely ill and has been holding his own, but barely, and I'm nervous that he'll die and I will be gone in Indy and not know right away or be ready to present a lecture OR be right there visiting him.  Also, nervous that he'll live in his current state - unacceptable.  Typical nerves are setting in regarding the lectures down in Indy this week - I suppose if I wasn't nervous I wouldn't be normal there.

On another note, I have made a connection with a newer friend.  As it turns out we have tons in common and I have found that he gives me an alternate perspective on things that I hadn't even thought I would want to deal with before.  So, that's kinda cool.  We evaded any inappropriate behavior the last time we were away in the same hotel, different rooms.  But not so sure that will continue to be the case.  Excited, nervous (trustworthy?), and hope I can live up to any/all expectations from both of us.

Discovered a while back that sometimes staying true to myself is different that staying true to what others believe I should be true to.  Did that make any sense outside of my head?  Hmph, who knows.  

Song

Skillet - One Day too Late

Look it up.  It's all I got.  

Ceremony

Well, today we begin our goodbyes to our friend.  Unfortunately our lives are also being touched in multiple ways by a local soldier's death overseas.  His service is today and the idiots protesting the war have already declared intent to show at the service.  How DARE they!  I am all about people being allowed to have their own opinions, hell, it's what our men and women lay down their lives for ..... but no one, ever, should show such disrespect to a fallen soldier or his surviving loved ones.  What it boils down to is the fact that this family lost their brother, son, father, husband ... and they deserve privacy, grief and respect.  Why can't they protest where it would make a difference.  The other side of this coin is the amazing response of the public, veterans - especially the Freedom Riders and such, other service men and women to insure the family is insulated from the ignorance.  Goodbye Soldier and thank you for everything you gave.

Waiting is horrible on days like this.  I want to be there with my boys now ... and yet, I don't want to go at all.  Sometimes I wish life could be like it is when you are young - you know, the out of site out of mind.  If only I could turn it all off for a little while.

To all my brothers and sisters in the Fire/EMS service ... make sure your fire families know how much they mean to you.  Love, laugh, live and remember that while we have rough and tumble times we are definitely a blessed bunch in that we have a second family to share our lives with.

Stay safe.

Long Haul

Work was difficult last night.  Everyone was still frustrated, angry, tired and just flat out sad.  Hardest was when Chief went to leave he came out and shook hands with the guys and walked over and hugged me .... hard and then, bam .... we both are crying all over again.  Was holding it together until then.  Impossible to maintain when the big man in charge can't.

So long friend.  You were an amazing man that is apparently needed more somewhere else.  Watch over us brother, lead us and protect us.  Comfort your loved ones as they mourn their loss of you.  You were one of the good ones.

Fucked up

Just found out that one of my boys died today.  He was sick, in the hospital, but we had been advised that it was just an infection/pneumonia.  Good man that was hard to get to know as he was quiet and reserved, but was more than worth the work it took.  He had a great big heart, incredible sense of humor and a love of the fire service.  His sense of dedication was amazing.  I don't know that everyone realized he worked 12 to 16 hrs a day and then stopped in to do his rig checks and volunteer his time.  He didn't complain or whine and he never asked for help unless he absolutely needed it.

I will miss you.

Offers

So, the job opportunity has some quirks to it that have my stomach doing worried flip flops and twirls .... so, I guess what that means is that it will be a no go.  I hate the fact that I applied, interviewed and was chosen only to decide that I don't think we "fit".  It makes me feel like I wasted their time and that was in no way, shape or form my intention.

I spent an hour and a half talking with a trusted advisor regarding this opportunity.  Now, as a side note he does have something to lose if I take this job BUT admitted how he felt and what was selfish on his part and objectively discussed my options completely.  He absolutely made me view this from all sides, especially ones I hadn't thought of, and I just cannot do it.

Sucks.  Let down somewhat - was excited about the opportunity;  Relieved - am in a decent place right now with some very promising opportunities coming up.

Changes

Some big things have happened in the last couple of days.  One is a job offer and the other was incredible sex.

So, the boring first ..... job offer.  I was called this morning and advised that they want me for a job that would be a lot of fun, a lot of travel and only for sure funded for one year.  Still nailing down the specifics to determine if the job and I are right for each other.  I guess what worries me the most is the possibility I have been hanging on to here for a full time spot on one specific FD.  Promises have been made that I have first option when this slot is being filled, but the when that spot will be filled has been left open.

Now, the sex.  Well, as I said earlier I have taken to advice of another blogger and gone with being the perfect sub to try and draw out any dom characteristics the hubby has.  He did a mediocre but better than normal job a week or so ago.  Last night, wow, he was pretty amazing.  I am still having to be passively submissive which isn't my favorite, but he was definitely the one in the driver's seat last night and he loved it.

There was no bondage involved, but baby steps right?  We have played tie me up before and it is more just tied up to be tied up as opposed to him "in charge".  Soooo, as he gets more comfortable in the charge role I won't ask for anything ..... my role is to be/do only as I'm told and that's what I'm working on.  The problems begin with the times that I am seeking correction and he would simply allow me to do as I want - he is a pleaser that really just wants to do what I want him to do.  I want him to dictate what happens and the how.  I'm not sure that jump will ever be made, but this is more than we had before.  If I could just learn to take the pleasure as offered and accept it life would be better.

Friends

Had lunch today with my girls and best friend.  It was nice for a change to just be hanging out.  I hadn't come from work, nor was I going to work after lunch.  We talked about lots of non-EMS/Fire related stuff which is also good for the soul I think.

My girls were funny, as usual.  My oldest is a brunette, but we often call her blonde and she frequently lived up to her nickname today!  How can a female cut their finger while shaving their legs????  She did, yup.  Who can even understand.

Played taxi for the kiddos this afternoon and still need to go back out at midnight to pick one of them up.  Joyous.  BUT this means they are hanging out with good friends in a safe, encouraging environment and continuing to grow as individuals.

Tomorrow it's back to work for the day and hoping to be able to do a run through on some new lectures I'm just finishing up.

Sooo, all in all a good day with people I love ... now, perhaps a nap before I have to get out again.

Frustrated

Visited with one of my favorite Fire Chiefs today and continue to be frustrated by the state of his departments EMS Division.  I honestly do not understand why some places continue to function under the "good old boys club" shit instead of doing what is right for the department.  I love "my boys" as much or more than some of my family and would do just about anything for them within reason.  I would not, however, go to bat for someone that fails to show up for work without an excuse, doesn't do his job, refuses to participate in mandatory training nor work as a team player.  Repeated offenses should meet with discipline, not with a beer on the boat and an attitude of fuck this place.

Perhaps I hold all of us to a higher standard than some do, which is unfortunate.  I don't think my expectations are unrealistic or unattainable.  I would like to think that my profession is just that ... a profession.  NOT something to play at or glorify ourselves.  Training is paramount to doing our jobs properly under any circumstance and lives depend on it.  Those that fail to train either get injured or cause injury in others .... why do we continue to allow those in charge to fail to train with us or to make excuses for those that are buddies not to do so.

GRRR......

to quote something I've recently read ..... "train like your life depends on it, because it does".

Opportunities

Just home from Indianapolis and a job interview.  I hate going to an interview that I'm really psyched about and finding out someone else got the job due to proximity or simply because they have "nurse" behind their name.  Should know about this one by the end of the week.  It sounds like a lot of fun but not sure it's anything I would want to do for years ..... but then again with the whole commitment issue, I never wanna do anything for very long.  I suppose my longest love has been EMS/Fire.  Huh.

This opportunity involves travel, only throughout the state.  I like that idea and figure that it can't keep me away from home any more than what I'm already doing does, so now I wait for the phone call that either slightly changes life as we know it OR makes me sad as life remains the same.

The best part of the day was getting to sneak in a quick lunch with my sis and niece ....YEAH!  So, back home kickin back in the recliner and hanging with my littlest.  Think maybe it's already beer thirty ..... Yep.  Stay safe!

Complicated feelings

I often sit and wonder why I started dating my husband, other than the fabulous ass, as we are nothing alike and he is sooooo not my "type" in any way.  Then other days, like today, when I'm at work for long shifts and I come across a picture of him doing something silly I feel this surge of emotion that must be something like love.

I am impulsive, difficult, selfish, aggressive in life, submissive in sex in the full sense of the word, motivated in work and dislike things like commitment, responsibility (outside of work) and monogamy.  I would like to think some of those qualities are not all bad and that I have other good qualities also .... like I can be caring, intelligent, love to debate (flipside is also argumentative) and other things that escape me currently.

He is caring, loves to nurture, phenomenal provider for the family, great dad, tender lover but also bull headed, timid lover, homebody and while definitely not unintelligent - smart in areas I am not in the least interested in.

Now, I then consider body type.  I gravitate towards bigger, tall guys and he is a short, little guy.  I do find him attractive, again that ass and he has lots of muscle to go with intimate parts that would make a lot of people jealous.

All said and done, in most aspects we are fine and have been able to sustain a decent relationship for longer than any other in my life but the sex ....... while he is a considerate, kind lover what I NEED that he cannot seem to understand nor be taught, no matter how many conversations, is the dominance.  I recently read a blog about this exact subject and even tried to use the advice given without much success.  It stated that you couldn't teach someone dominance, what you have to do is be more submissive and allow the natural dominant traits in your partner to come out and be more present.  I find myself seeking out tops and placing myself in situations that aren't good in order to fulfill what I need.

Why can't one person be the right fit?  

Tired

Feeling rough.  Today was a hard day at work and unfortunately when we have hard days sometimes others have had a horrible day.  Sometimes no matter how much we do it just isn't quite enough.  I know, I know ... my job is to improve upon situations that I find, often though that just isn't good enough.  Ugh.

Feeling twisted up and grumpy.  Hot and sweaty.  Had a chance to go out with the boys for a beer or so after working the first half of the day and I didn't feel like it but now I'm wondering if I should have.  Sometimes the peace of mind that comes after a little shared silly time with friends is just what the doctor ordered.  Regret coming straight home, especially since the reason I did was to see the kiddos and I find I'm grumpy and not really in the cuddle or play kinda mood.

On that note, I'm going to shower, drink a beer, pack for my work weekend and get off to bed ...... leaving you with a reminder to check your smoke detectors, please.

Introducing myself

Here I am.  I've been a lot of things this week already.  Work has been sparse as I went to meetings instead of working like normal, so that was a nice change.  So let's start with what I am today.

Depression is something I've battled, seems we have Bi-Polar disorder in the family, fabulous.  I also have done my share of self medicating with numerous, unsuccessful, choices.  Now, I tend towards a mild dabbling of alcohol in a responsible manner ... boring, I know.

I have been mommy for a couple of days straight, not something that I am normally doing lots of days in a row due to work and commitments, however, wonderful to be home with them for a couple of days.  I have a wonderful teenage son, teenage daughter and elementary aged daughter.  All who do and say and act in amazing ways every day.  They are the lights to my soul most of the time.

Work.  Well, I work in the field of EMS/Fire and love my job!  Some days it is harder than others but it is always dynamic and interesting.  The patients have made me laugh, cry, scream and cringe over the years and I keep coming back for more .... as do many of them.  My partners are the best in the world (unless of course they aren't) and I cling to them for sanity on many days.

My spouse, well, he is a wonderful, kind and loving man that works to keep the family together, housed and fed.  He doesn't deserve me, or more aptly stated would be to say that I don't deserve him.  Hmph.  In other words, he is too good for me and too good to me.  Frustrating, but true.  His simple loving nature makes me smile some days and rant on others.  Our relationship has gone through a lot and will continue to do so I'm sure.  I only wish that he wasn't so "him" sometimes.  As I'm sure he in turn does with me.  He can provide so many things I need, however, discipline is not one of his strong points nor is any sort of dominance.  Grrrrr.

Intimacy.  Well, here I have trouble.  I can be "involved" easily but really being intimate down to allowing others to know my soul is hard.  I don't make true friends easily and often discard people on a whim which is very unappealing.  I like to have lovers, but they don't make lasting impressions outside of the bedroom.  I have a preference of men over women, however, I do love keeping my options open.  I like to be dominated in the one area in my life where I don't have to be the dominant.  Simply being the one tied up is not even close to satisfying what it is I need in life.  HELP!

So, now I've revealed a tiny glimpse of me ........ nice to meet you and hope we can talk again soon.