It can be either pleasant, difficult, alluring or excruciating when someone digs down deep in your psyche to get to the real person buried there. For whatever reason I happened to be in the presence of two such diggers, while recently away. Now, they did not act in tandem on purpose as they were strangers and there eventually appeared to be a bit of animosity or something there. One had already been poking and prodding and the other merely pushed harder.
So. There is nothing I know about myself now that I didn't then - well, maybe one thing. The base thing that has probably altered the course of my life is what I knew it to be, however, my feelings about it surprised me. The initial assault wasn't the big problem (although a problem) it was the reaction by a couple of friends and that betrayal that put those walls up. I guess the root of it all at that point became, I don't want to be a sissy and no one else will take care of me .... so man up and protect yourself. So I have. Apparently I have to the point of it being extremely obvious that no one is allowed in very far.
Hmph. So, all exposed and naked feeling this week. Makes me feel fragile at a time when I don't want to feel extra fragile. What next? One "digger" I will probably never talk to again so I cannot even quite understand his motivation. People are not that self-less in my experience. The other "digger" continues to be around and available but to what end? It is very nice to have a close friend, but ...... is the exposure worth it? Think I might just slink back behind the walls and call it a day.
So. There is nothing I know about myself now that I didn't then - well, maybe one thing. The base thing that has probably altered the course of my life is what I knew it to be, however, my feelings about it surprised me. The initial assault wasn't the big problem (although a problem) it was the reaction by a couple of friends and that betrayal that put those walls up. I guess the root of it all at that point became, I don't want to be a sissy and no one else will take care of me .... so man up and protect yourself. So I have. Apparently I have to the point of it being extremely obvious that no one is allowed in very far.
Hmph. So, all exposed and naked feeling this week. Makes me feel fragile at a time when I don't want to feel extra fragile. What next? One "digger" I will probably never talk to again so I cannot even quite understand his motivation. People are not that self-less in my experience. The other "digger" continues to be around and available but to what end? It is very nice to have a close friend, but ...... is the exposure worth it? Think I might just slink back behind the walls and call it a day.
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