Kids

Wolf, Dragon & Butterfly

Like a dragon

He roars through my life.

Often ferocious,

Sometimes contrite.

Ever full of strength

In mind and body

With intellect

And devotion

Matched by none.

Like a butterfly

She glides along my life.

Always energetic,

Swooping with delight.

Ever full of support

In mind and body

With compassion

And empathy

Second to none.

Like a wolf

She pounces into my life.

Endlessly watchful,

Howling with delight.

Ever full of strategy

Her mind always working

With amazing spirit

And a soul

That sings as it howls.

Food for thought

"When we understand our lives through the lens of our gifts it's as if we step out from behind the tapestry and really see it for the first time. All of a sudden, things make sense. We see the real picture, the moving, human story of what matters most to us. We begin to understand that our biggest mistakes, our most self-sabotaging behaviors were simply convulsive, unskilled attempts to express the deepest parts of ourselves."
by Ken Page, LCSW

Huh, food for thought .....

Sappy

The blog has been therapeutic for me, however, in the last few days or so I cannot think of anything to write down.  I have either already said it and feel ridiculous for continuing on a rant about life or I'm really ok right now.

So, I am never really okay.  I suppose that much is true.  Right now I seem to be on pretty level ground though.  Perhaps that is the hardest part of dealing with the crap life hands you.  When you are on a big high and are handed shit - you fall hard and fast but hold tight to the belief that something will make it all get better eventually.  When you are low and handed shit - you just stare at it, realize that it's just more shit, cope and walk on.  Step by step.  Day by day.  Sometimes you can see the horizon and where you're headed, other times the fog just settles in.  During those times it seems the people that mean the most in your life step up, embrace you all while holding your hand through the fog.

I am often amazed at the way people step up.  It shows how much they love and how well they know you.  The shoulder I have used the most in the last few months has surprised me.  He is a good, strong friend that has been through more than most of us can even imagine.  Gentle and soft spoken unless drinking or protective nature strikes - then watch the fuck out.  He is never obtrusive, he is just there.  Lots of my brothers have amazed me.  When they had nothing left to give ... they gave.  I wish I had words that could express to them what they mean in my life.

Apparently, today is a sappy day - hate feeling like that.  Makes me feel like a little girl.  Hard to explain, but admitting that in itself isn't easy.

Take care, live and love, embrace those around you for the seconds you have them.

Drifting

Right now I feel like I have been drifting on a boat endlessly for awhile.  At first this was a very uncomfortable feeling as I realized I had no destination.  Now?  I don't think I'm ready to stop floating yet.  When I analyze that it makes me nervous but I have accepted that, for now, drifting is in order or at least in my immediate future.  When I decide to stop and have picked a destination I believe that lots of changes will be in order.  Right now though?  The waters are mostly calm, the sky is beautiful, I have a drink in my hand and music in my soul .... so be it.

Hmph

Home alone today, all day, for the first time since we were "cased".  I don't think of myself as nervous or scared or incapable of taking care of myself.  However, today I am pretty sure I was starting to have a stinkin' panic attack - called a good friend and she chatted with me for awhile and I felt more at ease.

This is ridiculous.  Our home was not invaded, no one did anything except make contact that was obviously in order to see if we were a possible target or not.  I have since armed us with a handgun and a shotgun .....

I did take a shower while home alone which was a huge feat since I was terrified.  House was all locked up, shut and locked the bathroom door and brought a gun in bathroom with me along with cell and house phone.  Sheesh.

Tomorrow I will be gone in the morning and come home just before the kiddos .... guess that means I get to search the house and make sure we are all safe.  Funny that feels less scary than just being here.

How long until I find my new normal that doesn't include panic attacks?

Uncomfortable

Pretty sure our house was being "cased" yesterday.  We had a guy stop by in an unmarked truck and when I went out to see what he needed, he was acting strange, worrying over the dog and simply asked if we wanted our driveway done.  Now, the weird part is that when I said no he just turned around and left the same way he had arrived.  We have 4 neighbors all with poorly cared for partially gravel driveways and he never even looked at those houses.  His truck was unmarked, he offered no business card to back up his supposed business and he wasn't approaching the steps to come up to the door when I came out, he was staring at the dog and heading towards our open garage door and my vehicle.  The neighbor right next to us saw this same guy driving slowly past looking at houses approximately one hour before.

So, the creepiest part is that when he was driving around earlier I had been in the shower, walked around the house in the buff and then while partially dressed went and spent a lil quality time with a couple of toys in the bedroom.  AND I happen to know the door wasn't locked - dumb dumb dumb.

Feeling vulnerable and nervous and scared.  None of which I am very good at feeling or dealing with.  The hubby?  He has basically blown it off.

He also decided to be aggressive in bed last night and I never said no, nor did I stop him in any way, however, I wanted to cry.  It would be nice if just once I could be understood .... but I am well aware that no one can read minds.  Still .....