Complicated feelings

I often sit and wonder why I started dating my husband, other than the fabulous ass, as we are nothing alike and he is sooooo not my "type" in any way.  Then other days, like today, when I'm at work for long shifts and I come across a picture of him doing something silly I feel this surge of emotion that must be something like love.

I am impulsive, difficult, selfish, aggressive in life, submissive in sex in the full sense of the word, motivated in work and dislike things like commitment, responsibility (outside of work) and monogamy.  I would like to think some of those qualities are not all bad and that I have other good qualities also .... like I can be caring, intelligent, love to debate (flipside is also argumentative) and other things that escape me currently.

He is caring, loves to nurture, phenomenal provider for the family, great dad, tender lover but also bull headed, timid lover, homebody and while definitely not unintelligent - smart in areas I am not in the least interested in.

Now, I then consider body type.  I gravitate towards bigger, tall guys and he is a short, little guy.  I do find him attractive, again that ass and he has lots of muscle to go with intimate parts that would make a lot of people jealous.

All said and done, in most aspects we are fine and have been able to sustain a decent relationship for longer than any other in my life but the sex ....... while he is a considerate, kind lover what I NEED that he cannot seem to understand nor be taught, no matter how many conversations, is the dominance.  I recently read a blog about this exact subject and even tried to use the advice given without much success.  It stated that you couldn't teach someone dominance, what you have to do is be more submissive and allow the natural dominant traits in your partner to come out and be more present.  I find myself seeking out tops and placing myself in situations that aren't good in order to fulfill what I need.

Why can't one person be the right fit?  

Tired

Feeling rough.  Today was a hard day at work and unfortunately when we have hard days sometimes others have had a horrible day.  Sometimes no matter how much we do it just isn't quite enough.  I know, I know ... my job is to improve upon situations that I find, often though that just isn't good enough.  Ugh.

Feeling twisted up and grumpy.  Hot and sweaty.  Had a chance to go out with the boys for a beer or so after working the first half of the day and I didn't feel like it but now I'm wondering if I should have.  Sometimes the peace of mind that comes after a little shared silly time with friends is just what the doctor ordered.  Regret coming straight home, especially since the reason I did was to see the kiddos and I find I'm grumpy and not really in the cuddle or play kinda mood.

On that note, I'm going to shower, drink a beer, pack for my work weekend and get off to bed ...... leaving you with a reminder to check your smoke detectors, please.

Introducing myself

Here I am.  I've been a lot of things this week already.  Work has been sparse as I went to meetings instead of working like normal, so that was a nice change.  So let's start with what I am today.

Depression is something I've battled, seems we have Bi-Polar disorder in the family, fabulous.  I also have done my share of self medicating with numerous, unsuccessful, choices.  Now, I tend towards a mild dabbling of alcohol in a responsible manner ... boring, I know.

I have been mommy for a couple of days straight, not something that I am normally doing lots of days in a row due to work and commitments, however, wonderful to be home with them for a couple of days.  I have a wonderful teenage son, teenage daughter and elementary aged daughter.  All who do and say and act in amazing ways every day.  They are the lights to my soul most of the time.

Work.  Well, I work in the field of EMS/Fire and love my job!  Some days it is harder than others but it is always dynamic and interesting.  The patients have made me laugh, cry, scream and cringe over the years and I keep coming back for more .... as do many of them.  My partners are the best in the world (unless of course they aren't) and I cling to them for sanity on many days.

My spouse, well, he is a wonderful, kind and loving man that works to keep the family together, housed and fed.  He doesn't deserve me, or more aptly stated would be to say that I don't deserve him.  Hmph.  In other words, he is too good for me and too good to me.  Frustrating, but true.  His simple loving nature makes me smile some days and rant on others.  Our relationship has gone through a lot and will continue to do so I'm sure.  I only wish that he wasn't so "him" sometimes.  As I'm sure he in turn does with me.  He can provide so many things I need, however, discipline is not one of his strong points nor is any sort of dominance.  Grrrrr.

Intimacy.  Well, here I have trouble.  I can be "involved" easily but really being intimate down to allowing others to know my soul is hard.  I don't make true friends easily and often discard people on a whim which is very unappealing.  I like to have lovers, but they don't make lasting impressions outside of the bedroom.  I have a preference of men over women, however, I do love keeping my options open.  I like to be dominated in the one area in my life where I don't have to be the dominant.  Simply being the one tied up is not even close to satisfying what it is I need in life.  HELP!

So, now I've revealed a tiny glimpse of me ........ nice to meet you and hope we can talk again soon.